Funny Dad Sayings on a Calendar

60 Funny Dad Quotes for Serious Laughs

Being a father can be as hilarious as it is rewarding, as these funny father quotes show. You can use these on Father's Day or Birthday greeting cards, add them to social media posts and share them with friends. They're sure to raise a laugh.

Funny quotes about fatherhood

Nothing sums up a father's experience quite like these funny quotes:

• "Raising children is the only job that requires you to work 24 hours a day, and it actually costs money."
• "Being a father before bed is like being a designated driver trying to get your friends to leave the bar."
• "Dad: Spider Killing Superhero."
• "My kids always ask me which of them is my favorite. I'm not telling them I don't actually like any of them."
• "Nobody wants to see Dad dance, but he does it anyway."
• "Being a father is when you realize you can like people who puke in the car multiple times."
• "Fatherhood is about pretending that ties are the best gifts you've ever received."
• "The first two years of being a good father is all about stopping your child from finding new and creative ways to hurt themselves."
• "When your kids are toddlers, they're going to constantly embarrass you at the grocery store, at the doctor's office, at the park, anywhere. When they're teenagers, it's Dad's turn to pay them back."
• "Nothing you can do can scare me. I raised three daughters."
• "My daughter doesn't have dad issues, but I can guarantee her boyfriend will."
• "The key to being a great dad is aging without maturing."
• "I'm a typical high-flyer. That's why I'm a father of twins."
• "Having a conversation while having kids is like trying to do your taxes in an inflatable jumping house."
• "Father jokes help me not to cry."
• "I worked hard to get that father body."
• "My boss calls me dad."
• "No really. My dad's jokes are proof that I'm the funniest dad alive."
• "There is no joy as great as the happiness that comes from hugging your children."
• "Don't touch my car, my beer or my daughter."
• "I know when my kids need money because that's when they laugh at my jokes."
• "Nothing is funnier than people without children telling me how tired they are."

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Funny dad quotes from kids

These hilarious quotes are perfect for Father's Day cards and Father's Day gifts, but they'll also bring smiles any time of the year:

• "The older I get, the more my father seems to be learning."
• "Dad, I wish I had inherited your ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere."
• "It's great that we both know some things are true without having to say it out loud — that's how I'm your favorite child."
• "I smile because I have you as a father. I'm laughing because it's not your fault."
• "Dad, thanks for saying 'yes' when mom said 'no'."
• "Dad, I have a secret. You are the best parent. Please don't tell mom."
• "I wouldn't trade my father for anything. On the other hand, nobody has offered me anything yet."
• "My father taught me everything he knows. That's why I don't know anything."
• "Life doesn't come with instructions, but it does come with a father who always takes my calls."
• "Thanks again Dad for not actually killing any of the guys I dated."

Funny quotes for stepdads

Show your amusement for the important stepfather in your life. These quotes are perfect for greeting cards and stepdad gifts:

• "You are not my stepfather. You are my bonus dad."
• "You are the best stepfather because you still chose to marry our mother even after you met us."
• "You can't scare me. I have stepchildren."
• "I'm crazy enough to be a stepdad and lucky enough to be your stepdad."
• "My kids call my stepdad because 'partners in crime' sounds irresponsible."
• "All men were created equal, but stepfathers must ascend."

Funny dad quotes for new dads

If you're attending a baby shower and need to give a gift and advice to a new dad, one of these quotes can sum things up:

• "Being a father is creating a person when you're not necessarily able to assemble a bookshelf without help."
• "Fathers have to tell little white lies from the start. They hand you what looks like a mixture of Gollum and a ball of bread dough, and you look at your wife and tell her it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen."
• "In the early years with your wife, staying up until dawn is romantic. When you have children you will want to fight them to the death not to be the one to see the sun rise."
• "Being a father is learning how changing a mountain of diapers can change your entire life."
• "I went from husband to father."
• "Given the choice between a nap and everything else in the world, a new dad will always choose a nap."
• "New dad advice: teach them to call you 'Your Majesty'."
• "Pro Tip: Learn how to 'fix' toys by removing the batteries."

Famous Hilarious Father Quotes

Everyone from famous Victorian writers to today's funniest comics has a lesson to share about the role of fathers. These are some of the funniest dad quotes from famous people:

• "When I was 14, my father was so ignorant that I could hardly stand the old man. But when I was 21, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in seven years." – Mark Twain
• "Mothers are okay, of course. They pay a boy's bills and don't bother him. But fathers bother a boy and never pay his bills." – Oscar Wilde
• "To be a successful father, there is one absolute rule: if you have a child, don't look at it for the first two years." -Ernest Hemingway
• "For advice on fatherhood, try looking your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed it. That's about all you need." – Will Ferrell
• "I gave my dad $100 and said, 'Buy yourself something to make your life easier.' So he went and bought a present for my mom." -Rita Rudner
• "Being a father isn't just about eating a giant bag of gummy bears while your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero'." – Ryan Reynolds
• "I have found that the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it." -Harry Truman
• "We wondered why, if a child laughed, it belonged to daddy, and if he had a sagging diaper that smelled like garbage, 'He wants his mother.'" – Erma Bombeck
• "You have to be adaptable because they are always changing. They do something that blows your mind and then they spit all their food on the carpet." – Neil Patrick Harris
• "There should be a nursery rhyme: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let daddy sleep.'" – Jim Gaffigan
• "A father carries pictures where his money used to be." – Steve Martin
• "Having kids is like living in a fraternity. Nobody sleeps, everything is broken and there's a lot of puking." -Ray Romano
• "I was at war. I raised twins. If I had a choice, I would rather go to war." – George W. Bush
• "A father is a banker provided by nature." – French proverb

Serious about dad

Sometimes funny father quotes are a great way to communicate how much you care. You can also add more serious heartfelt dad quotes to show an important father or father figure how much he means to you.

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